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After Abortion
You Are Not Alone
eyelid
afterabortion
eyelid
all - I just changed the community settings to moderated membership and posting.

This isn't because I just became a posting nazi, it's because we've been getting weird Russian spam posts every day for the past week or so. Why are they posting to our community when our membership can't even read the posts? who knows. The last one was porn, I guess that's universal.

anyway, I expect the weird Russian spam posters will give up and go away after awhile of being denied. I'll remove the controls and let things go back to being open then. In the meantime, I don't expect to be denying any non-spammer membership or controlling posts other than to weed out spam.
speak up
desalete
afterabortion
desalete
I'm sorry you had to die. I didn't mean for you to happen. But your life mattered. Because it taught me so many things. You showed me, definitively, that I want children. I have always been uncertain, not fully sold. I had to love you for myself.

I will always miss you. I will always feel responsible. Little girl, I'm sorry. You happened before I was ready for you. I chose to bear you no longer, not to give birth to and raise you. But you happened anyway, whether I was ready or not. And this is part of what I've learned. I won't have time to prepare in advance for everything. Now is all that matters. I must have what makes me happy now.

You will never have a funeral, so never have a eulogy. But if you did, I would have so many words to say. It's been three months and I haven't yet recorded all of them.

You mattered deeply to one person, and in that way you were better off than so many unfortunate people in this world. To the world, you were one person -- less, even -- but to this one person, you were the world.

I loved you. I still love you, even though you are gone. I love the idea of you, and I love what you have left me with. The pain, the realizations, the new mental pathways. You've forever changed my life for the better. Thank you.

mood: Lighter.

3 thoughts // speak up
desalete
afterabortion
desalete
I've heard a lot of women say to me that they felt awful before, during, and after their abortions, but later in life are able to look back and feel certain that it was the right choice. I've heard women say they knew all along that abortion was the right choice, and I've heard others say that they knew all along that it was not the right choice for them.

What bothers me is that I still don't know, and I'm afraid that I never will.

It's more than a matter of temporary confusion or regret. The problem is that I know what kind of person I am. I don't place much stock in the idea of fate, but I also don't wholly believe in free will. I don't know to what extent my "choice" was ever really my choice, if it makes sense to say. Did this happen for a reason or for no reason at all? Could I have even chosen differently?

These are lofty questions with no factual answers. That is the problem.

I don't believe that I will ever feel that my abortion was "meant" to happen. Likewise, I won't ever feel that I was "meant" to raise the child. But, contradictively, I'm not sure that I feel like the situation was completely within my power. I don't know -- maybe that is just my fear deferring responsibity from myself. Logically, I believe that I did make the choice. But...

While I was pregnant, I felt that no matter my choice, I would be happy and unhappy. I would regret it and not regret it. I would wonder about the alternative. I felt that there was no "right thing" and there were no "right reasons." There was no bright green "yes" and no glaring red "no." There were just random options, all with pros and cons and permanent consequences.

Now I know that my prediction was correct as it pertains to this timeline, but the other? I can never know. Would I have been happier with the child, or will I be happier without? I can never know. This bothers me greatly, and worse is knowing that there's no cure for it but to learn to let it go. All I can do is live along the timeline that is now mine because I opted against motherhood.

But I wish to feel resolved. I wish I could ever feel certain that I did the right (or even the wrong) thing. I'm literally no more resolved about my decision than I was while I was pregnant. I just grabbed this option and ran with it (for reasons I've already explained in a previous post, but even all of that doesn't fully explain to me why).

I am disappointed with myself, and also not. I did the responsible thing, and didn't. It is not just that some days I feel that I did the best thing, and some days I don't (which of course I do). It is that most of the time I feel both at the same time. I feel like my warring feelings are tearing me apart and there's no resolution in sight. I can't just "choose" something to believe when it's all true and it's all false.

Did anyone else experience any of this? I guess it's a sort of existential crisis. I don't even know what could help me. I'm not in danger of harming myself, don't worry about any of that -- I'm just confused. So confused.

mood: lonely lonely

4 thoughts // speak up
amalyna
afterabortion
amalyna
Has anyone heard of Post Abortion Stress Disorder? It's basically like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. There's debate over whether or not it exists but I can tell you it does. Worse than the trauma is the regret. I did it because everyone I know pressured me into it, and I would give anything to go back and undo it. I'm so angry at them. But I'm the angriest at myself. Because no one could make me do it. I had the final word. They asked me if it was my choice. All the lies I've told in my life... I know I hurt a lot of people. But I never intended to tell a lie that would take a life. I know I can't change things now; it is what it is. But it's something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. And as much anger as I have at everyone around me, what consumes me is the hatred I have for myself. Everyone tells me I made the right choice. I'm not one to judge others for doing it; each person is entitled to their own view. But to me it's not a choice. It's murder. That everyone around me condones it just hurts me further. I don't deserve exoneration..... but no punishment could be worse than the regret I carry with me every moment of every day.
5 thoughts // speak up
0absinthe0
afterabortion
0absinthe0
A couple of years ago I was in a nasty relationship. It all seemed great at first but this guy drank and got high every night. We'd have sex every night, regardless of whether or not I wanted to. A lot of the time I just ignored it and pretended I was somewhere else. When it got to the point where I thought he might strike me, I left. He had asked me to marry him, and when I said no, he tried to kill himself. This guy was nutso. Anyway, after two months of being away from him, I found out I was pregnant. I had had no idea that I was. I know that sounds stupid but it's true. I went to get a refill on my birth control pills and found out there. It was awful. I instantly knew that there was no way I could give this child what it really needed, what it really deserved. I could barely take care of myself at the time. I was nearly living out of my car, no money saved up and alone. I also knew that if the father ever found out...bad things would happen, things I can't explain. So my sister drove me to a clinic and I had an abortion. It was the longest day of my life. I won't ever forget the women that worked in that clinic and the other women that were there with me. Some were as young as fifteen, some were as old as fifty. It was and will remain the most difficult thing I have ever done. I've wanted nothing more than to be a mother, all my life...It hurts. It will always hurt. I think of the baby as a boy, and I call him Marley when I need to talk to him. I loved my baby, but he deserved better than what I could give it. I won't regret what I did. But it does make me sad most days, to think that my son would be able to play with my niece and that he would be about a year old now, just like her. I think of his birthday as October 9th, and I think I will do something special for him. Only my close friends and my sister and brother in law know, and now you do too. It's good to be able to talk about it, because no one I know really understands. Thanks...
3 thoughts // speak up
afterabortion
dustandguitars
Just out of curiosity, if anyone on here lives in the Dallas, TX area would you be interested in a support group?  I can't find any, and everything I find online is Christian based and I personally am not religious.  I don't know if anyone is from around here, but I wanted to throw that out there, because I know it would really help me.
1 thought // speak up
xslickerdripsx
afterabortion
xslickerdripsx
 
I need to talk about it..I don't know to who, but i need to talk about it.
i need to say to someone that i'm still hurting. every day it hurts, and i can't explain why other than to say, i was so scared.
i don't regret it. i don't feel any moral pain or anything like that. no part of me pines for "my child", or anything like that. but i was so scared. in a space of like what, 3 days? my life went from normal to fucking terrifying, every minute of it. and i felt alone. and i feel alone because the person who is supposed to be there for me the most, the person who was half responsible for this situation, wasn't there. and i needed you there, and i need you now but we still haven't talked about it. we still aren't talking about it. 
and after all of that pain and terror, it got even worse. every time i think about june it just hurts so much, everything that happened comes back and it just becomes so obvious how not-okay everything still is. because it's still there. but i can't keep going on with my life like this. i don't know who i am anymore, i don't know what i want or where i'm going or anything, because i feel like that future world i built is lying in pieces at my feet and i need to go over them to get on with my life but the pieces are so sharp i can't make it over them by myself. i keep replaying lying on that hospital bed over and over in my head, remembering the horrible pain and wanting to scream and cry but i couldn't and i can't and after all of that, when you finally came home you didnt say anything. and i know how hard it is for you to know what to say and you don't want to make things worse but i need you to say something. i'm so sorry for what happened to you. i'm so sorry you had to go through this by yourself. i should have been there. i'm so sorry that you had to deal with this in a way i will never be able to understand. i'm so sorry for what i did, even after everything. 
and i wish there was some equation to fill that would make it better. i wish i could tell you what to do. tell myself what to do. but i can't. 
but every day we don't talk about things, is another day i have to deal with it by myself. and i'm starting to lose my footing. 
i thought i knew what i wanted, and i thought you were the one i wanted it with. i was sure you were. and now, even if there's 10 good days, there's still going to be 1 where i feel like i have to be on my own, like this isn't going to end somewhere i need it to, like this isn't something i should be holding on to. what do you do when you've always been told that relationships exist on polar ends, good vs bad, and yours seems like it isn't even on the same pole? what do you do when things are so complicated that you can't tell the difference between what's good and what's bad anymore? i don't know who to talk to . i don't know what to say. i just know that there's this hurt that is so bad that every day it hurts the same way it did on the first day, and it isn't getting better. and this terrible thing keeps playing in your head over and over, and all the fear and the tears you tried to swallow on that day, so that you could make it through that day, keep coming back more and more every time your brain wont let you forget, wont let you stop thinking about it. this thing you never thought would ever happen is happening. and all you want is to be happy again, all you want is to be hopeful about tomorrow and grateful for yesterday but every day your brain won't let you forget about that thing, you wish more and more you wouldn't wake up when you go to sleep.
 
1 thought // speak up
uhohlissa
afterabortion
uhohlissa
I have read up on stories of you girls who feel hopeless or sad right now and don't know when it will end. I thought I'd share my own story of my life since my abortion.

I had my abortion over 7 years ago, and I can look back at that time and say that I absolutely made the right decision. Everyone's situation is different, so it's hard for people to come together and comfort each other if you're not sure where the other person was coming from. Me, I was dating a complete asshole and thinking of having something inside me that was his made me physically ill. However, I was in the clinic with a young lady my age who said she already had a child and so her husband said they couldn't have another. I will never forget her.

I remained with the man I was dating for almost a year, then I attempted suicide and ended up having to sleep in my mother's room at 23 years old to feel safe. What a disaster. He had such a terrible effect on me; looking back, I can't believe I was ever that person. And that abortion? It was something I had to do. Being tied to that man for my entire life was not an option. It just wasn't. And I see it the same way now. My mother won't talk to me about it. My fiance (who is a-maz-ing) knows, and is proud of me for doing something terribly difficult.

I feel badly about being stupid enough to get pregnant by a total jerk. I feel badly about the terrible physical pain I put myself through to rid myself of the baby I did not want. But do I regret my decision? Absolutely not. I feel like I did something that is unnatural to a woman in aborting her child, but I have dealt with those feelings and moved on. You can't dwell on things - you just can't. Get professional help. Call a hotline. Demand your BFF's full attention. Something. The one thing that I found in my journey was that yes, even the most confident women who choose abortion have emotions about their experience. Regardless of your personal situation, those feelings need to be dealt with in a healthy manner or yes, it will feel deep and dark and endless.

I hope for the very best for all of you out there who may be suffering tonight. You are NOT alone. But you do have to be proactive in your healing process by seeking help for feelings that you may want to hide. You're not alone and you WILL heal. I am planning a wedding now, talking about having babies, and I am so excited.. Because this is the RIGHT one. And I had to let go of any kind of negativity, shame, or guilt to be able to accept the wonderful positive things in life. You can, too.

Good luck.
2 thoughts // speak up
afterabortion
dustandguitars
Just wanted to introduce myself.  Not really sure what to say.... just hurting a lot right now.  Tired of burying the pain.  It just feels like the only option.  Sometimes, though, I can't do it.  Tonight is one of those nights.  I want to believe it will get easier... but I don't.  It just seems to get worse.
5 thoughts // speak up
rona_dolvi
afterabortion
rona_dolvi
Three years ago this week I did what I see as life changing.

I had an abortion.

The story behind it isn't one I wish to share, it was a bad time in my life, yet this experience has opened my eyes, as well as haunted me.
Read more...Collapse )
2 thoughts // speak up