What bothers me is that I still don't know, and I'm afraid that I never will.
It's more than a matter of temporary confusion or regret. The problem is that I know what kind of person I am. I don't place much stock in the idea of fate, but I also don't wholly believe in free will. I don't know to what extent my "choice" was ever really my choice, if it makes sense to say. Did this happen for a reason or for no reason at all? Could I have even chosen differently?
These are lofty questions with no factual answers. That is the problem.
I don't believe that I will ever feel that my abortion was "meant" to happen. Likewise, I won't ever feel that I was "meant" to raise the child. But, contradictively, I'm not sure that I feel like the situation was completely within my power. I don't know -- maybe that is just my fear deferring responsibity from myself. Logically, I believe that I did make the choice. But...
While I was pregnant, I felt that no matter my choice, I would be happy and unhappy. I would regret it and not regret it. I would wonder about the alternative. I felt that there was no "right thing" and there were no "right reasons." There was no bright green "yes" and no glaring red "no." There were just random options, all with pros and cons and permanent consequences.
Now I know that my prediction was correct as it pertains to this timeline, but the other? I can never know. Would I have been happier with the child, or will I be happier without? I can never know. This bothers me greatly, and worse is knowing that there's no cure for it but to learn to let it go. All I can do is live along the timeline that is now mine because I opted against motherhood.
But I wish to feel resolved. I wish I could ever feel certain that I did the right (or even the wrong) thing. I'm literally no more resolved about my decision than I was while I was pregnant. I just grabbed this option and ran with it (for reasons I've already explained in a previous post, but even all of that doesn't fully explain to me why).
I am disappointed with myself, and also not. I did the responsible thing, and didn't. It is not just that some days I feel that I did the best thing, and some days I don't (which of course I do). It is that most of the time I feel both at the same time. I feel like my warring feelings are tearing me apart and there's no resolution in sight. I can't just "choose" something to believe when it's all true and it's all false.
Did anyone else experience any of this? I guess it's a sort of existential crisis. I don't even know what could help me. I'm not in danger of harming myself, don't worry about any of that -- I'm just confused. So confused.