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I can never know. - After Abortion — LiveJournal
You Are Not Alone
I can never know.
I've heard a lot of women say to me that they felt awful before, during, and after their abortions, but later in life are able to look back and feel certain that it was the right choice. I've heard women say they knew all along that abortion was the right choice, and I've heard others say that they knew all along that it was not the right choice for them.

What bothers me is that I still don't know, and I'm afraid that I never will.

It's more than a matter of temporary confusion or regret. The problem is that I know what kind of person I am. I don't place much stock in the idea of fate, but I also don't wholly believe in free will. I don't know to what extent my "choice" was ever really my choice, if it makes sense to say. Did this happen for a reason or for no reason at all? Could I have even chosen differently?

These are lofty questions with no factual answers. That is the problem.

I don't believe that I will ever feel that my abortion was "meant" to happen. Likewise, I won't ever feel that I was "meant" to raise the child. But, contradictively, I'm not sure that I feel like the situation was completely within my power. I don't know -- maybe that is just my fear deferring responsibity from myself. Logically, I believe that I did make the choice. But...

While I was pregnant, I felt that no matter my choice, I would be happy and unhappy. I would regret it and not regret it. I would wonder about the alternative. I felt that there was no "right thing" and there were no "right reasons." There was no bright green "yes" and no glaring red "no." There were just random options, all with pros and cons and permanent consequences.

Now I know that my prediction was correct as it pertains to this timeline, but the other? I can never know. Would I have been happier with the child, or will I be happier without? I can never know. This bothers me greatly, and worse is knowing that there's no cure for it but to learn to let it go. All I can do is live along the timeline that is now mine because I opted against motherhood.

But I wish to feel resolved. I wish I could ever feel certain that I did the right (or even the wrong) thing. I'm literally no more resolved about my decision than I was while I was pregnant. I just grabbed this option and ran with it (for reasons I've already explained in a previous post, but even all of that doesn't fully explain to me why).

I am disappointed with myself, and also not. I did the responsible thing, and didn't. It is not just that some days I feel that I did the best thing, and some days I don't (which of course I do). It is that most of the time I feel both at the same time. I feel like my warring feelings are tearing me apart and there's no resolution in sight. I can't just "choose" something to believe when it's all true and it's all false.

Did anyone else experience any of this? I guess it's a sort of existential crisis. I don't even know what could help me. I'm not in danger of harming myself, don't worry about any of that -- I'm just confused. So confused.

mood: lonely lonely

4 thoughts // speak up
0absinthe0 From: 0absinthe0 Date: October 12th, 2010 04:04 am (UTC) (Link)
I can't say I know exactly how you feel, because every situation is different, but I do know the feeling of two emotions or thoughts tearing you apart. It's awful and I can't offer much advice. I have my ups and downs especially recently; yesterday would have been my baby's first birthday. I can't say it will all get better, but I think as time goes by the pain will lessen. I'm sorry, I'm really terrible with advice. I'm here if you need someone to talk or just have someone to listen. =]
survivedlife From: survivedlife Date: July 16th, 2016 05:46 pm (UTC) (Link)

After Abortion

I just read your posts. I know this was a while back and was wondering if you feel any different now. I do know that the Lord will forgive anything we do, if we will only ask Him to. And when He forgives, He also forgets. My problem is that I will never forget and I will never stop regretting my past choices. Turning my life over to Christ is the only way I will ever see get to see my baby.
0absinthe0 From: 0absinthe0 Date: July 21st, 2016 05:39 pm (UTC) (Link)

RE: After Abortion

I'm glad that works for you, but it doesn't for me. Best wishes.
survivedlife From: survivedlife Date: August 11th, 2016 05:58 pm (UTC) (Link)

Re: RE: After Abortion

Thank you for responding. Sorry to hear you feel this way, but, I understand. I felt the same way once.
4 thoughts // speak up